When is sex too much?

With Carolyne Nakazibwe

Almost everyone – especially men – would love to be ready to make love at the drop of a hat. To have sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner…! It is like a constant fantasy, which very few do live though.

Each one of us is programmed differently when it comes to sexual behaviour, just like it is for almost everything else. Some men have sex once a night and would not gather another erection even at gunpoint, while others can be on a roll once they get down to it.

Some couples do make love for several hours on end and could last two weeks without craving for sex again, while others are like chicken; sex every couple of minutes until they make the bundle.

Whichever it is, it cannot say you xnxx are necessarily a bad or good lover. Just like the legendary arguments about penile sizes go, at the end of the day, it is really about compatibility in that department.

But then there is when you should know that you have a problem; when you cannot do without sex. You basically live for it; breath it, crave it like a dope fix.

That is why the term nymphomaniac (for women) or Don Juanism (for men) exists. There is excessive sex. The trick is in drawing the line between inadequacy on your spouse’s part and the actual problem: An addiction to sex.

One Kenyan couple is seeing a counsellor over this. The girl wants sex way too much; her husband has started feeling like a sex machine.

Before you rush to say the guy is the inadequate one in this, understand where he is coming from. Free time to this wife means bed and sex. She will not eat out, she will not go to parties or any other social activity outside their jobs for that matter. She is only interested in ‘pleasing’ him in bed. And that is pushing him away instead.

“When we first dated, I thought it was kinky alright, but there was a great excitement about it. We would even have our breakfast naked on weekends, not to waste any time!” he wrote in an email. “But now we have been married four years and have two children and I want much more out of this marriage than just the sex and porn movies. She is wearing me out and I am not a bad guy in bed by any standards! Could she be sick? How can I help her?”

Now, that is a problem. Because women – especially African women – are generally thought to be very passive and shy in bed, any man would think to land one who goes at it like a horse on batteries would be a blessing. Not always.

To find a spouse who enjoys his/her sex and is not shy about it is a true blessing, but to find one who thinks of little else but the sex can be a nightmare. To an addict, sex is like medication; the only solution to all life’s problems.

Like an alcoholic whose way of escaping the rude realities of life is through liquor, a sex addict must be constantly ejaculating or orgasmic and in that state of ‘numbness’ to the rest of the world.

According to Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Colorado’s website, one way you can test yourself for symptoms of sex addiction is in the way you react to a genuine ‘No’ from your spouse to some of your frequent sexual advances.

If s/he told you s/he was still bruised from the last night you made love eight times, would you take it like a good sport or would you start spitting expletives and accusing them of sexually starving you, before stomping out of the house to relieve yourself with any willing… thing? Could be a cow…

“A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex and africanporn.net. It’s not about a fix for something,” a therapist says on the counselling website. “An addict [on the other hand] has the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse; the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs.”

Sometimes the addiction gets so bad you feel your spouse can no longer satisfy the craving. So you lock them out of your sexual world.
“We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse.”

The couple has sex infrequently, but this is because the addict prefers his world of masturbation, prostitutes and fantasy. Good thing is, this situation can be helped. But like all addictions, the first step is recognising that you have a problem.

You might be boasting about a ‘serious’ libido when you are dealing with an actual sickness. Sex addictions are known to break marriages, so don’t take them lightly. Go for therapy, go for deliverance.

“Recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and spiritual lives. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose recovery,” the therapist, a former addict too, writes.
Looks like not all the elephants are pink, after all!